I Think I Need A Sunrise
by Soncnica
Summary: ...I'm tired of sunset. spoilers for 2x4 and 3x10...just in case.
1. Chapter 1

**The title and the summary come from a song by Augustana named Boston. The story has nothing to do with the song. This story contains spoilers for DALDOM and CSPWDT. I own nothing, of course. Well I do own the mistakes and I do apologize for them.**

**I have no idea what made me write this. But sometimes a story hits you when you least expect it, you know. It's weird and then you can't sleep, eat, you use pen after pen, notebook after notebook, you drive people crazy…and then this comes out. This is a two chapter story and I'll put the second chapter up when I'll be happy with it…or if you'll be happy with this chapter. _Smiles_. So…**

**…Enjoy.**

**--**

"So when are we gonna talk about it?"

Sam's voice broke through the quiet music coming from the speakers. The singer's voice skipped a few words, the tape must be over used, but no point of saying that to Dean. He's already sure he won't need it anymore.

"About what?" Dean turned his head from the road and looked straight at Sam. Their eyes met for a second before Dean averted his gaze back to the wide road.

They were alone on it, just them and the occasional wild life. Mostly deer, rabbits, 'n stuff. Dean had reflexes, got to give him that, that last rabbit could have been a killer.

"You know, about you changing your mind." He watched Dean for a minute more and then followed his gaze through the window. It was just preparing for a sunset, just a few more minutes and the sun will go down and up in the other end of the world. People will wake up, go to work, school, just doing things, he knew won't be doing. Normal things, shopping and hanging out with friends, parents, kids. Loving people, hating people…not knowing when someone will die.

"I didn't change my mind. I still want the cheeseburger and fries."

_And don't you think I'll change my mind on that one, Sammy. _

"'S not what I meant."

It was a warm evening, lovely to go out to the movies, or camping, or just for a walk.

Definitely not for going into a motel room to search for some 'unusual' things. Not for knowing your brother is going to die.

"Well then you have to be more specific, Sammy."

_Just no salad. Anything but that green stuff. I found a bug once in there and it wasn't pretty. _

"About you dying and asking me to help you? About you changing your mind? When are we gonna talk about it?"

Straight to the point. It's for the best. No need to avoid the thing that was on both of their minds.

"Umm, when hell freezes over."

_I really don't want to talk about it, Sam. Drop it. _

Silence.

"Maybe that'll be sooner than later."

He mumbled beneath his breath, beneath the rumble of the Impala, beneath the music and trust Dean to pick it up off the dirty floor.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

_That bug in the salad…I would stuff it in Sam's throat and let him choke on it. With pleasure. _

"I didn't say anything."

_Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit…_

"It had to mean something or else you wouldn't have said it." The anger was seeping through every pore in Dean's body. Where it hit his clothes it deflected back into him, bringing him into a feverish rage.

"Said what?"

"Jeez, Sam, you better start watching your mouth or you'll be picking your teeth from the side of the road."

Mask back up, moment of weakness gone, rage stuffed deep down somewhere in the dark pits of his soul…and keep on driving.

Dean knew exactly what that meant. And he couldn't believe Sam had said it. To be honest he was being…uncommunicative…in these few weeks, but never ever…Sam was way out of line here.

The accusation stung right to the foundations of his soul and it just plain out hurt.

They rode the rest of the way in silence, Dean even turned off the radio. The worn out tape made him itchy to hit something. And Sam's presence in the seat next to him was making him nervous. And being itchy and nervous was no way of getting out of this without leaving a bloody mess.

Sam was mentally kicking himself and banging his head on the pavement until he was a bloody heap of regret and stupidity.

How could he be so stupid to accuse Dean of being cold?

One kick right to his ribs.

To accuse him of being emotionless?

One kick to his stomach and he spilled some blood on the hard cold ground.

Accuse Dean of being selfish when all he ever did was trying to keep him safe…alive?

A kick in his chin rattled his teeth and one fell out, mixing with the bloody puddle already on the ground.

It hit him then…in that statement, he already said that Dean was going to hell.

One hard kick to the chest and he lost his breath, choking on the blood coming to his mouth and spilling down his cheeks.

Dean had to notice Sam kicking himself in his mind, Sam was sure of it as he was sure he's still breathing, hard and shallow, but still breathing, but Dean didn't even twitch, didn't even look away from the road.

The sun went down somewhere between Sam's remorse and Dean's contemplating about Sam's statement. The distant hills swallowed it and left darkness where Dean could drown the remains of his rage for Sam. Only pain was left floating on the surface.

_Sam was right. _

All there was left was a long stretch of black road and two blinding white headlights shining the path for Dean to drive on.

_Sam was right. I didn't show it, but…_

"I'm sorry, Dean."

It was said with clarity and loudness of a man deep in regret.

"For what?" he cleared his throat, trying to show that he wasn't all that bothered with the statement but still…it showed.

"For saying that." He couldn't repeat it. Never again. Not even in the noise of his mind, where he was sure all the other thoughts would drown it, but he couldn't be 100 sure.

"Saying what, Sam?"

Dean's eyes never left the road, his hands gripping the wheel tightly making Sam slightly nervous.

Sam was starting to wonder if Dean was just playing stupid about this or did he just imagine the whole conversation. Because the latter would be so great right now.

"Never mind."

Dean smirked. He just bought himself some more time to get this out of his mind. He didn't need this argument right now. He'll deal with it like always. If Sam would just get out of his way.

He tensed his muscles to the point of being rock solid. He heard what Sam said, right from the 'you're so cold hell will freeze over when you _get_ there' to the 'sorry' part. He just wasn't quite sure what hurt the most; Sam thinking he was cold or the fact that Sam said he would go to hell.

That eliminated the 'sorry' part and shoved it straight through the floor on the warm asphalt road for the Impala to run over it and kill it.

Sam never meant to say those words. He didn't believe in them, they were a complete lie, they were a sign of his own stupidity and big mouth.

But that's the way things are, right? Sometimes you just say things and they are out of your mouth even before your brain can process what just happened.

No wonder he fought with Dad. But whatever he said to him, was true and he meant every word. But this…what he said to his brother…it was a lie. A total and utter lie. Not even a lie, it was nonsense. What unholy force made the words come out of his mouth was lost on him.

All he knew right at this moment, driving a little too fast down a little too dark road, was that he has to make this right. Better. Dean was never cold and emotionless. Even when he seemed like that to the world, Sam saw straight through it. He saw pain, fear, sadness, love, need, want, loneliness, happiness…everything. And he saw sadness and pain right now. When he glanced towards Dean…those eyes, those hands gripping the wheel, the clenched jaw, tensed muscles…sadness and pain.

Anger got crammed somewhere deep in Dean, somewhere where all those things go.

-:-

"I'm sorry." he turned on the light in the room and spoke the words that were burning his throat and his eyes.

Dean closed the motel door, and turned towards him. Calmly and composed he answered with a cold, raspy voice: "Yeah me to." And proceeded to walk pass Sam to the bathroom. If he calmly closed the front door, the bathroom door didn't make it out with such luck. He almost terminated them when he closed them shut.

Sam was left there, standing near his bed, leaning slightly on the bed frame for support. A desire to roll over and die came in his mind, but he knew that wouldn't solve anything. He sighed and rubbed his hands over his face.

_Stupid. _

He shed his jacket and threw it on the purple blanket that he was supposed to sleep under right now. Not standing here and waiting for his brother to come out of his hiding place, that just happened to be the bathroom where he should have had his shower by now.

_Idiot._

Dean came out of the bathroom in what seemed like ages to Sam.

"Dean."

Silence. Just nerve racking silence, broken by a car with a damaged exhaustion tube.

"Just talk to me, man."

Dean rampaged through his duffel bag, probably looking for his gun.

_Yeah, he's probably gonna shoot me, can't blame him though. _

When he pulled out his T-shirt, Sam breathed a breath of relief.

_Just_ _shower, no gun._

"Dean I just want…," a pause, "…ed to know. Just…I'm sorry."

"Know what Sam, huh? How the only time, " he raised his voice an octave higher, no doubt the neighbors heard it too, "I ask you to help me, you go and accuse me of being cold and stupid…"

"…I never said…" he didn't dare to raise his voice so he kept it in a slight whisper.

"…and practically saying I'll die…" he almost choked on the 'die' part.

_Breathe Sam, just…_

"…you won't die…" _ever, if I can help it. _

"I came to you, I ask you to help me, to save me from," he waved his hand in the warm air, "this death and you wanna know everything in between. Well Sam, some things I wanna keep to myself. You said it yourself once, remember?"

That broke at least two of Sam's ribs, but Dean was right.

"I'm sorry. What more can I say? I didn't mean it, I wish I could take it away, take it back, but I can't. I'm sorry, Dean, you have to believe me."

Dean sucked his bottom lip between his teeth and pulled it in his mouth, biting on it so hard he actually bit right through the thin skin and drew some blood.

"I'm really sorry, I don't know why…"

Dean closed those few steps that divided him from Sam and stopped inches from Sam's face.

Those eyes looking up at him…the sadness and pain shining in the green plains killed him.

Sam was sure Dean would hit him again and he would be alright with it.

"Yeah well, me to." And he turned around in one swift motion and headed for the bathroom door again. And killed them again.

Sam flinched at the noise, than shuddered as he looked around the room. Purple blankets and yellow curtains, carpet infested with cigarette burns, _and fleas too probably_, a little kitchenette, a table and four chairs.

He hadn't moved from his position near the bed, just staring at the bathroom door. He noticed they were violet.

_Moron. _

He moved from his glued position near the bed and staggered towards the window. He pulled the curtain apart and looked out. The view was amazing…on a half full parking lot with some very shifty looking cars and a weird kind of a yellow light illuminating it.

_Thump. _

It was dark, dark like his soul right now. Just dark…absent of all light that normally came by playing jokes with his brother, talking, being near.

There were stars in the sky, he could see them flickering. They looked like that millions of years ago, before this life hit him.

_I wonder if they knew._

_Thump. _

There were some trees in the distance, courtesy of the owner of the motel. He planted them right into the concrete, no wonder they looked a little…dead.

_Thump. _

_What the hell is that noise? Please just let it not be the neighbors. It's bad enough there is violet and purple and yellow in the room, and some hate too, but not sex maniacs for neighbors. _

He left out a breath and tried to still his nervous hands and twitching legs. Nothing he could do now when Dean's in the bathroom. Nothing but to wait here in the stillness of the room with silence pounding in his mind. And the occasional thump.

Silence.

_Thump. _

There shouldn't be silence, there should be a shower running, there should be Dean singing horribly out of tune, _there shouldn't be a fight_.

_I'm too tired for this…just way too tired for this darkness to keep latching at me. In me. Fighting with Dean. With only a few weeks left to be around him. No, no, no, with only years left to be with him. _

_Thump._

He dropped the curtain and let it fall in place, obscuring their little family drama from the rest of the world. That's how it's always been, right? Nobody's business but his and Deans. Everyone else can just…screw themselves.

A few steps toward the bathroom dragged like miles and when he finally made it, he wasn't sure what to do next. So he knocked.

"Dean?"

No answer, but another thump.

"Dean?" a little louder this time, just in case.

_Thump. _

He leaned his ear to the door and held his breath.

_Thump. _

"Dean, 'm coming in."

_Nobody's business but ours._

He swallowed hard, almost breaking his throat, and turned the door knob. It wasn't locked as he thought it would be, and he thanked all the Gods that he knew of for being so.

**--  
**

**How will Sam get himself out of this mess? _shrugs_**

**TBC…**


	2. Chapter 2

**You have no idea what you did to me when you put this story to your alert list. I never thought so many people would like it. I'm really happy…I'm more than happy, I'm thrilled. And to think I only had the title to begin with. So…thank you again for reading the story and I hope you'll like this last chapter. And I do apologize for all the mistakes. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go and attack the chocolate I have hidden in the closet. I think I deserve it. Well it's the only thing that I really own, so…**_Smiles_

**Enjoy…**

**--**

**CHAPTER 2: **

Dim light greeted Sam when he entered the bathroom. His eyes landed on a small white sink with a mirror hanging above it. He couldn't help but notice his reflection in it.

_Tired, just tired._

He let go of the door knob and looked around the room. A small toilet next to the sink, a shower in the corner, and blue, ocean like tiles on the floor spilling gently in grass green like tiles on the walls.

_God. _

And one big brother, sitting on the floor.

"Dean?!"

He saw Dean behind the opened door, leaning on the wall. His knees were drawn close to his chest with arms encircling them. His eyes were closed and…

_Thump. _

"Dean, Jesus."

He closed the door and made one long step to crouch before Dean.

_Thump. _

"Dean!"

_Sammy._

No response.

Without hesitation he extended his left hand and put it behind Deans head that was violently hitting the ceramic behind her. He didn't feel any blood, just soft hair and a bump that was definitely gonna hurt in the morning. He placed his right one on Dean's knee to steady himself or else he would fall flat on his ass. Two injured brothers…one is more that enough.

_Great deflecting strategy, Dean. Talking really isn't your thing, huh? Well too bad big brother…_

"Dean!!"

_If I keep my eyes closed will he go away? Sammy please, please, just leave me alone. Just…please, please. _

"Dean!!"

_God, Sammy, just…please leave._

Dean kept banging his head on Sam's hand but the soft hit did nothing to mask the pain of Sam's words. They stung, they hurt and they burned.

_Sammy thinks I'll die. I…I think so too. _

With every hit Dean made to his palm, his knuckles snapped a little when they hit the tiles. Dean was strong, too strong for his own good.

Sam gripped Deans head in his hand but he just shrugged it off and continued to bang his head on the wall.

_Sam thinks I'm cold. _

Thump.

_Sammy thinks I'll die._

Thump.

_Sammy…I…I think I'll die. _

No thump this time, no blinding pain, no cold tiles…just a gentle landing on a soft warm palm, which fingers squeezed tightly and rested on his temples. He lost the strength to move, and the only thing for him to do was to sink in the touch.

He sluggishly raised his hand up to grasp Sam's right wrist and squeezed.

_Sammy._

It was a word concealed in a touch in the middle of silence.

And it tore Sam apart. It was like wild beast smelled the blood from previous injuries and came to finish him off.

Even with his eyes still tightly shut he could see Sam, crouching before him with worried and mild eyes. Probably little teary…and broken.

"Dean, come on. Just open your eyes."

Gentle voice as not to startle his brother now that he felt Dean sunk his head into his hand. Finally relaxing a little…_mustn't scare him now_.

_I'll see you, if I open my eyes, Sammy. _

"Please, just open them. Let me see if you're alright."

'_M not alright. _

"I'm so sorry, Dean. Please."

_I'm sorry too. _

"Dean, just look at me." he squeezed his knee and shook it slightly.

_I don't wanna see you, Sammy. Just please leave. _

"Just leave me alone."

The hoarse voice made Sam jump. He wasn't ready for words, he was hoping for a simple look and he got words that…to be honest didn't know what to do with them.

"I can't do that, Dean. You know that."

"Just leave."

Dean's voice was shaking like a twig on unsteady water, something he really didn't want Sam to hear.

Too late…

"I can't." he went for a soothing whisper to match Deans quavering one.

"Leave!!" the intensity of the trembling scream vibrated through Sam and almost knocked him on the floor. But he held his ground. His thighs were burning from crouching, and he put a little more weight on Dean's knee.

He must make amends for his stupidity, has to make Dean see that he didn't mean what he said. Needs to make Dean see, that he's a big idiot with a bigger mouth. This was far beyond the need to know why Dean changed his mind…this…this was to make Dean see…know that he will save him.

"I can't." he matched Deans voice with his own original tremble.

_I can't leave you, I just can't. You can punch me all you want, you can scream, you can kick…but I won't leave you. _

He felt tremors shoot through Deans body, he felt them loud and clear. Through his fingers that were pressing on Deans temples he could feel his brothers steady heartbeat…_alive_. The rhythm moved up his arm and settled in his own heart.

"Don't touch me."

_Sammy please, LEAVE. _

But he did nothing to show his resolve, so Sam's hands stayed as they were. His left one behind Deans head preventing him from hitting her on the ceramic tiles, his right one on Deans knee.

"Dean, look at me, don't shut yourself out. Just," he didn't wanna go there, but he didn't know what else to do, "remember back in Greenville, when we talked, after Dad died. Please just talk to me like that again. Just tell me."

He felt Sam's breath brush his face, felt it nice and warm.

"I have nothing to say to you Sam. Just leave me the hell alone."

_That time, that one time when I broke…with you next to me…I can't do that again. _

Sam hung his head low. He wanted to chew on his finger, he wanted to chew it of his hand, but he didn't dare to let go of Dean. He needed to do something so he dug his fingers in Dean's knee. He did it subconsciously, not even knowing why. Why would he want to cause his brother more pain?

The action triggered something in Dean.

"God, Sam you push," a breath, "and you push," he opened his eyes and looked down at his knees,"until you break someone," he saw Sam's hand on his knee, "and then you leave them broken."

"I didn't leave you." he swallowed down any other words that were trying to come out of his mouth.

"Yeah."

_But you did before. _

"I'm still here. I didn't mean what I said, you have to believe me. You have to. Dean…" it was a harsh voice spoken in low volume.

_I know I left you alone before, but not now. Never again. _

He was stopped by a single tear that slipped out of the green eyes his brother wore all his life.

Sam sighed and lowered his head again. He felt his brother relaxing a bit, sagging a little but not completely. Yet.

"Dean…" he tried with a gentle voice.

Silence.

The tear slid slowly down Dean's face, it was almost like gravity had no effect on her. It fell down on his lap where he cradled her and prayed she won't have company any time soon.

"Dean…you won't die. I won't let you die. I just won't." his breath hitched a little.

_Sammy._

"You just won't."

_I won't let it happen. _

He still supported his brothers head in his hand even when it fell down to his chest at some point. He couldn't bring himself to let go, afraid Dean would start banging it at the wall again. And he was struck by the fact that his brother didn't try and wiggle himself out of his touch.

_Dean I'm so sorry. _

-:-

They sat on the bathroom floor, Dean where he was and Sam on the opposite side of him. It was a small bathroom, their toes were touching, Sam's hand still on Dean's knee, the other on constant alarm should Dean start to bang his head again. His eyes never slipped from Dean. He just…observed him.

There was only silence. And their breathing. Mixing together in a soothing sound that relaxed them both.

_Dean's alive. _

_Sammy's here. _

The light began to make sizzling sounds and Sam reached up to turn it off. They didn't need it anyway. He put some of his weight on Dean's knee and Dean took it. He didn't even budge. After their eyes adjusted to the darkness they noticed it wasn't so dark. The parking lot light shone through the window and it was enough for Sam to see Dean's lip quivering. Tear after tear shining in the gentle light, all making their home in Deans lap.

"'S O.K." it was a tender voice he was going for, just to let Dean know it really was okay.

They lost sense of time. Maybe they were here for one minute or for a whole year. It didn't matter. Time made no difference in the room. Time was just something people invented…_to let me know when my brother will die…to let me know when I'll save him. _The soft darkness looked the same after every heartbeat, after every breath. Everything looked the same.

"You're an ass."

"Huh?"

"Bitch."

"Dean?"

All he got in response was a quick intake of air and then silence. Dean didn't stir and they sat like that, toes to toes, hand on knee, on the cold bathroom floor, close and present. Without time.

The outside light turned off and was replaced with a bloody red color seeping through the window. Slowly at first and then it turned into a bright yellow light. Dawn was wakening up this side of the world. It'll be a bright sunny day.

"I'll save you."

"Yeah."

_I know. _

"I will."

"Yeah."

_I know. _

"Trust me Dean."

Silence.

"I trust you, Sammy."

A smile turned Sam's lips up.

"It was a stupid argument, Sam."

_It hurt._

"I know."

_I'm sorry. _

"Sleep?"

"Through the whole shitty day."

They got up from the floor on wobbly legs and staggered to their beds.

Dean was out even before he hit the pillow.

"I'll save you."

"I trust you."

_Have to have hope, Sammy._

Or find another place to fall.

"Jerk."

**--**

**Hope you liked it. It took me this long to find that something that was missing… it was a word concealed in a touch in the middle of silence.**


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